A Beautiful Princess

Last weekend I attended the Women of Faith Conference. Sandi Patty was one of the featured speakers. Inspired by her presentation, I purchased her new book entitled, "Layers". The book talks about the layers of protection that we put on ourselves throughout life as a result of pain, heartache, loss, etc. While I have been unable to identify a specific event in my life that caused me to "layer" myself, I am certainly aware that my layers go deep and are very thick. 

As a result of my sanctification experience last fall, I had already begun to unlayer myself a little bit. As I accepted God's love and His place as Lord of my life, it has been a natural transition to start tearing down some of the walls I have put up around me and trust Him to take care of me. However, as I am reading this book, I am realizing that I have just begun to unlayer and simply said, I will be unlayering probably for a lifetime.

Through this process, God has once again shown me how much He cares for me. Let me just share with you the intimacy we shared this week. Most recently, I have not been able to really connect with God during my devotional time, but I have perservered and continued to saturate myself with Him. As I was leaving home to head off to prayer meeting on Wednesday night, my car, which just got out of the shop after almost 6 weeks, decided to start acting up again. In frustration, I had to turn around and head back home. The temptation was to just forget prayer meeting and stay home. However, because I know the enemy's tactics, I chose to go to prayer meeting anyway. So Kaitlyn and I headed off in Kerry's 'vette for the church. 

Typically, it is difficult for me to switch gears from the drive and rush of the day to coming straight into an attitude of prayer. However, it was incredibly easy this week. As soon as I put my purse down, I was able to sense the thickness of the Holy Spirit in the room and I immediately began praying. The song that was playing in the background was about today being a new day, by Alberto & Kimberly Rivera. I am finding that I love praying with their music playing in the background. It is so annointed. As I prayed and listened to the lyrics, I realized that Kaitlyn and I had been talking about this very topic on the way to church. I had literally just encouraged her to choose to let things go when she has a bad day and take advantage of every opportunity to be happy. At first, I chocked this up to a coincidence.

However, as prayer meeting continued, I began to get distracted and frustrated in the fact that I felt I hadn't really connected with God lately. I have been doing all the right things, and prayed that He would reveal any sin in my life to me so that I could confess it, but honestly I just felt like my prayers were hitting the ceiling and not understanding why. As I was still in this mindset, Kevin came over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder. He began to pray for me. His prayer was that I would see myself beautiful, as God sees me and that God would give me a new confidence in myself. 

My first reaction to Kevin's prayer was that he knows my poor self image because of my weight, so that was a pretty safe prayer to pray over me. However, I don't believe that was the case. You see, the night before I had just read a chapter in the book that talked about how God sees me as a princess. So my prayer that night was about this very issue...me seeing myself the way that God sees me...as beautiful. 

Kevin moved on and continued praying with others and encouraged us all to listen to the Spirit and not be afraid of allowing the Spirit to say anything to anyone else in the room through us. I continued in my prayer asking God to tell me specifically if He wanted to use my voice to say anything to anyone in the room. Nothing...

I began to start thinking about God's promises, but instead of being grateful for them and claiming them, I started feeling like I don't deserve His promises...again just really feeling disconnected and in turmoil. Knowing one thing in my head and feeling another in my heart. 

Soon Dawn Rittenhouse came over to me and told me that she felt like God wanted her to tell me He is proud of me, and that He does not wish for me to fear anything. Those were wonderful words to hear. We prayed together and she went back to her seat. Afterward, I felt impressed to tell Violet the same thing...that God is proud of her and that He wants to use her in the Senior Adult Ministy at our church. We prayed together and I went back to my seat.

Here is where the story becomes so incredibly personal to me. As I sat down, I immediately noticed the lyrics to the song that was playing. It is called, Royalty.

I saw you as a little girl putting these beautiful dresses on, Saying “Mommy, Daddy look at me, look at the beautiful princess that I am.” You dressed well for the part because I say you are a queen. You are royalty, royalty. And I remember looking upon your face. And I remember washing over you with my tears because I saw the very day that you stopped believing that you were a princess and my heart broke, and my tears flew down. My tears flew down like a river.

And now I say I am gathering you, gathering every piece of your heart that’s been scattered and I am making it new, making it new. And your countenance shall reflect the mirror that I place before you because you are to know that when I see you, I see the queen that I created.

So what will you decree? What do you want to see? What will you decree? What do you want to see? 

And this day, this day is your coronation day. This day you are being crowned. You are being crowned and a scepter is being placed in your hand. For you are worthy, you are worthy. And I shall present you to the nations. And I shall roll out my red carpet and you shall walk true with these because you were made, you were made to be a queen. You were made, you were made to be seen.

And I see you, I see you, I see you. And I hear you, even when you whisper. I hear you whisper…

Now, this is NO coincidence. God had my whole evening scripted. And as only He can do, He touched my heart once again. He is so loving and kind. I am so crazy about Him. I am reminded of a verse in Song of Songs 4:9 where God says to ME, "You've stolen my heart, my sister, my bride. You've stolen my heart." 

As the evening wore on, He gently reminded me that He loves me and that His promises are for me no matter what I am "feeling" at any moment. He gave me this verse in Phillipians 1:6, "that He who began a good work in me will see it on to completion".  

So if it takes a lifetime, I will continue to shed these protective layers and instead wrap myself in a robe of His righteousness.

I love Him so much...

Struggling to Believe God

"What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise.  So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.  But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help!  I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it.  I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.  It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up.  I truly delight in God's commands,  but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.  I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?  The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

~Romans 7:15-25, The Message

This passage sums up all that I am feeling. Weeks ago, God began to speak to me about an area in my life that He wanted control over. Even more importantly, I believe He wanted me to have the faith in Him that He could and would take care of it. You see, I have learned that I can do all things through Christ. However, I have a tag line that I have added to that phrase...When I say it, it goes something like this...I can do all this through Christ EXCEPT...

I love how this passage describes our efforts to overcome our sinful nature...especially where it says, the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions. Every day I wake up and truly intend to be obedient to God in this area of my life. And every night, I go to bed having blown it once again. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.  It happens so regularly that it's predictable. 

Why so downcast, O my soul? I feel so far from You Lord. I keep trying to lean on You for strength and to keep believing in Your promises. Where are you and why is this so hard for me? You know my heart, God. I obviously need help!  I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it.  I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up.  I truly delight in God's commands,  but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. 

Abba, I am so tired of failing You in this area of my life. I know that You have spoken to me. I am trying to obey. I really am. Your Word tells me that I know that I love You when I obey Your commands and they are not a burden to me. (I John 5:3) And You also tell me that what You are commanding me to do is not too difficult for me or beyond my reach. (Duet 30:11)

God, help me to believe. I need You. I feel so lost when I cannot sense Your presence with me. You are my best friend and I am lonely when I feel like You are far away from me. Help me to obey. I want to make You proud of me. I want You to dance over me. I want to make You smile. I want to give You something to record in Your "brag book". I want to live my life in total abandonment to You. I want the rythym of your heartbeat to be the rythym of my life. I want to be ONE with You. I want to walk with You and talk with You, constantly abiding in Your presence. 

I'm sorry for being selfish and for not trusting You enough. I'm sorry for trying to satisfy my desires and not letting You satisfy me. I'm sorry for not totally relying on Your power in my life to overcome temptation. 

God, help me to be an overcomer through the power of Your blood!

A New Way of Living

Today I finished the very last lesson in my Believing God Bible Study. What a ride these past weeks have been. As I reflect on all the ways that God met me during this 10 week journey, my heart is completely overwhelmed. 

At the start of the study, I was in bondage to some things. I was completely miserable and felt like I had let God, myself and my family down. I thought certainly that God would just let me fall off His radar screen and I would just slowly fade back into a life of misery completely seperated from Him. But God had a different plan and He pursued me. Praise His name that He never gives up on us!! I can picture Him grabbing tightly to my arm and not letting go! And oh, the freedom that came when I grabbed hold of Him too! Now we are walking hand in hand and I am confident that He will never let go of me!

Through this study, I have learned where true joy comes from. (not happiness based on circumstances)  I have been in the church my entire life. For years and years I have watched Christians who are so full of joy and wondered what was wrong with me. Why didn't I have that same joy? After all, I was serving the same God. I have found the missing piece to the puzzle that has bothered me literally for years! True joy comes through knowing my Savior intimately and I do that through being in His Word and in prayer. God's Word is alive and active in me! He is so real and so tangible. He walks with me and talks with me every day. I have fallen so deeply in love with Him. I think about Him constantly. I daydream about Him. I look forward every day to studying His Word. Now, I can sing the words of the old hymn so beautifully penned..."Oh I have found it! The crystal fountain! Where all my life's deep needs have been supplied. So freely flowing from Calvary's mountain. And now my soul is fully satisfied!"

My life is forever changed. All because I committed to spending 10 weeks focusing on God. Not having any idea how blessed I would be as a result. When we give just a little of ourselves to God, he returns our investment one hundred fold! Baruch haba b'shem Adonai! (Blessed be the name of the Lord!)

There is no one like you, my YAHWEH, my YAHWEH!

The God to whom I commit myself and everything that concerns me is HUGE! He is the omnipotent Maker of heaven and earth. He is the One who sees. He is the One who knows. He is the One who acts on behalf of His children. He is the Mighty Warrior. He is the compassionate Father. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He is the coming King. He is Love. He is Light. He is good. He is right. He is my soul's delight. He is whatever I need. He alone is wise. In Him alone life makes sense, and apart from Him all is chaos.

The God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, Joshua, Gideon, Samson, David, John the Baptist, Mary of Magdala, Mary of Bethany, Peter, James, John, and Paul is my God! The same yesterday, today, and forever. A God so holy, powerful, and present that when He revealed Himself to Ezekiel in the Old Testament and John in the New, both dropped like dead men. He is the magnificent One, full of splendor, beautiful beyond comprehension. The I Am That I Am throughout every generation. Whoever He was, He is. Who He was to them, He is to me. Start taking Him up on His Godness. When I have no idea what to believe Him for in a given situation, I will just believe Him to be HUGE!

Come, holy God, and be Thyself!

Taming the Tongue

God is teaching me so much about the power of my tongue, for good and for evil. I have come to the conclusion that I can either be defeated by how often my tongue gets me into trouble or I can rejoice in knowing that each time I listen to His still small voice that stops me in that split second it takes for a thought to leave my brain and head for my tongue that I am learning more of His ways and my speech is taking on the very power of God.

Just last week, as I was studying this topic, I was so defeated. It seemed that every time I opened my mouth something was coming out that was ugly, especially when I was around just my family. Isn't it ironic that we treat the people we love the most the worst? The most defeating to me was the fact that I had been praying that God would make me aware of what I was going to say before I opened my mouth and would help me be conscious of only speaking encouragement and truth and peace rather than lying, hatefulness, gossip, etc.

Well, God in all His faithfulness kept His end of the bargain. Over and over He challenged me to be careful of what or how I was going to speak. And over and over I chose to say things that shouldn't have been said. Don't get me wrong, I was obedient alot. I was just disobedient alot too.

By the time I arrived at Prayer Meeting on Wednesday night, I felt like a complete failure. My heart was broken by my lack of control over my tongue. But wouldn't you know, that's where God met me. In my brokenness, He spoke directly to my soul. I would almost swear He said it out loud because I heard Him as plain as day. As I confessed to a friend how I was struggling and then immediately went to prayer...not talking...just listening for God to speak, He spoke these words straight to my heart, "Daughter, I'm proud of you!" My soul just about leaped out of my chest! And as if that wasn't enough, at the end of the service, each person there was anointed and then served communion. When Pastor Kevin touched my head with the oil, immediately my senses were filled with a sweet aroma and I was certain that it was the aroma of the Holy Spirit.

His presence is so thick in my life right now. I can't get enough of Him. I feel so blessed to call Him, Abba Father, Daddy. I have prayed that He would help me to fall deeply in love with Him and He has answered that prayer.

He cares for me

God has just been making His presence so incredibly real to me this week that I am completely overwhelmed by Him. He is constantly on my mind and I am finding myself daydreaming about Him and conversing with Him all day long.

As I have studied His Word this week, it has been such a blessing to me. I am finding promise after promise and I feel like I am drowning in them! Praise God, He is good! I am falling more and more in love with Him every day!

Even just this morning, He showed up in such a tangible way. As I was driving to work in the rain, I simply prayed for a parking place close to the door. Even though I had an umbrella, I had so many other items to carry and just didn't want to mess with it. As I prayed that prayer, I thought to myself, "O God doesn't really care about where I park...it's not like I can't take my umbrella, I just don't want to". Wouldn't you know as I pulled into the parking lot, someone was just pulling out of a spot about 3 cars down from the front door! I had to sit in my car and just laugh at God's sense of humor and how He truly does care about the little insignificant things in my life!

This video expresses so vividly exactly how I am feeling this week. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps

Blogging for Idiots

So I am new to this whole blogging thing. In fact, I really am not sure what I am doing. I just know that God is doing a new and mighty work in my life and I wanted someplace to log my thoughts. I get tired of writing and prefer typing so I ended up here.

Now, let's see if I can get the hang of it!! :)